this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
