I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
