Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
