Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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