All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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