you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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