How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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