it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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