Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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