I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
pray to the hookup gods
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