i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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