Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
