your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
