are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
