I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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