she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
