this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
