Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
