The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
