i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
then he tried to convert me to islam
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
