He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
