bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
