addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
