My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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