Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
