This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
