I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
