What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
a search helicopter?!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
