so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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