Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
