Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
