I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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