hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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