the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
