none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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