Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
