This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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