why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
