Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't put those talents on a resume
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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