So drunk its hurt
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
