Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
