My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".