Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
