I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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