shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
