Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
