I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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