I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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