I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
