I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
