So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
