my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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