I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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