moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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