The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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