mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
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I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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